Being A Friend

 The nice thing about doing a blog and not a book is, I can write in whatever order I want, about whatever I want!

Seeing as Taylors airplane ride “go fund me” was a smashing success and we are feeling ALLLL the love, I thought I would write about how to help a friend going through hard stuff.  We have been the recipients of so much generosity and love.

One of the hardest things for me when someone has a tragedy strike, is knowing what to do, and what to say to them to make it better.  The thing is, nothing you say or do CAN make it better.  The person is going to hurt no matter what.  BUT, being there and doing means so much.  When Taylor got cancer, I don’t remember anything anyone said to me.  Esp during those first weeks when we were reeling with shock.  I DO remember the people that came, I remember the people that did.  When you are in a state of shock, a lot of times, you can’t even formulate what you need.  So don’t ask, unless you really don’t know.  I literally didn’t know what we needed, except for my family needed fed.  We had people bring meals, buy us a freezer to put the meals in, people sent money, people cleaned our house.  I had a friend buy bulk paper goods and drop them off at the house.  How thoughtful!! Who wants to do dishes when you feel like a knife has been stabbed in your heart?  Not me!  We had people come visit us/Taylor in the hospital.  Some of the people weren’t even close friends, but they came!  It showed they cared.  I’m sure it was awkward… like what do you say to someone whose 18 month old was just diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and their other baby was born in such a traumatic way he was in the nicu?  I don’t remember what they said, but I remember they came.  We didn’t have time to go sit for hours on end when Jeremiah was in the NICU.  Taylor was in cancer treatments and our time was consumed with the hospital and her needs.  Friends and relatives went and held Jeremiah for us.  It still makes me tear up with gratitude.  It was so touching they did that.  I couldn’t formulate that need, but they knew it was a need and they went and did that for us.

During this last bout of shocking illness for Taylor, we had SO many people love on us!  One friend went to Costco and loaded her SUV up with easy freezer meals, and snacks and dropped them off at our house.  She said “that way the kids or you guys can just grab something and easily eat”.  Another one of my friends came from over an hour away, and she just spent time with me in the hospital for hours on end, to help pass the time.  She did this way more than just once.  We talked and we laughed.  She also, being a medical momma too, knew just the right stress eating snacks to bring me.  My cousins came after we got home and made us 40 freezer meals. What a blessing those were!! My good friend set up a meal train for us, and people I don’t even know, and of course ones I do know, brought us meals for about 1.5 months!  I didn’t have to stress about what my family was going to eat.  It was wonderful!

One of my favorite things that people did was not treat us differently.  Our friends and family kept being our friends and family.  They didn’t force me to talk about all the horrible things if I didn’t want to, but if I did want to vent, they let me vent.  They kept being our friends and didn’t distance themselves at all.

I was recently reading through Job.  Jobs friends were pretty bad friends.  At first one of them came and just sat with him and gave him the comfort of just being there.  And then he opened his mouth, and that’s when he became a really terrible friend.  You don’t have to spout advice just to fill in the empty space.  Just be there.  And if you do have something good to say, say it, but be careful what you say.  People don’t need to hear what you think they should have or should have not done differently.  Just be a good friend and listen and be there.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like to laugh!  Especially when life is HARD.  This is tricky, because you don’t want to make light of a hard situation, but laughter is soooo healing!!  When I had Jeremiah, he was in the NICU and my other baby was starting chemo and I had just had the C section to end all C sections.  It was horrible and I hurt so much.  My sister came to visit us the day I had Jeremiah.  I couldn’t walk real well yet.  She told me she would push me in a wheelchair so that we could go from my room to the NICU.  She’s short.  Like truly short.  She was also almost 8 months pregnant.  In order to get to the NICU she had to push me up a LONG, steep, ramped hallway.  I can’t even remember what was so funny, but she had me laughing to the point of tears.  I think it was the event of her being super pregnant, she was pushing her much taller sister in a wheelchair uphill (she couldn’t see over my head real well), and she was nearly passing out from exertion, but trying to not make me feel like a giant whale in the process.  That girl had me laughing so hard, and my incision really hurt when I laughed. I kept saying, “stop making me laugh it hurts!” But I didn’t want her to really stop being funny, because it felt so good to laugh.  We had the giggles all the way up that ramp, and it’s one of my favorite memories from that dark time! 

This time around, one of my friends took me out for a night on the town.  I needed the break from the hospital SO bad!!  She took me to delicious restaurant, and she said to order it all, so I did, and we just talked.  It was amazing.  Then we went to her house and wrote out TRUTHS in scripture on note cards for me to read during the upcoming hard days.  I won’t forget that.  Another friend, who was a brand new friend, came to do massage on Taylors hip and to pray over her.  I felt the Spirit in our room that day.  Then before she left, I told her I liked her jacket.  She had me try it on, and then while I had it on she said “bye” and walked out.  Every time I wear that jacket, I feel like I’m hugged, and the memory of it makes me smile.  This friend also gifted ME with a free massage.  Give your friend the gift of a massage, it’s so stress relieving!!

Chances are, if your friend is spending lots of time in the hospital, their lawn isn’t being mowed.  Go mow their lawn.  Or if it’s winter and it snowed, go shovel their driveway and sidewalks.  We had friends do both things for us. If you know what day is garbage day, put their garbage out for them.  What a relief to not come home to tall grass and lots of garbage.

If you can give, then give!!  The giving we have received reminds me that our Father in Heaven has Heavenly storehouses for His children!  So many people have given so generously and thoughtfully.  Doordash cards, money, blankets, devotionals, flowers, meals, fundraisers, free hairdressing, because of all the sacrificial giving, we didn’t have to worry about monetary things when we were so worried about Taylor.  Both times you guys, both times Taylor was so sick, we were smothered in generosity.  Peoples generosity blows me away.  

Always pray.  Your friend, whether they are a believer or not, need your prayers.  Pray for their fears, pray for their hearts, pray for peace, and pray that the Father would make himself known to them.  Both big surgeries that Taylor had, in two different states, with a different group of friends; we gathered in the waiting room and petitioned our GOOD God on Taylors behalf.  It gave us so much comfort to have friends surround us and pray.  Also, if your friend has a loved one going into surgery, go sit with them in the waiting room during the surgery.  Having friends to talk to when we were worried, helped pass the hours and take our mind off of what was going on.  Their presence lent so much strength.

So go be that good friend to a friend in need 💓