The Breaking and The Biopsy

We arrived at the hospital and they wanted to start her tests right away.  They needed to place an IV until they could put a port in.  That first IV was so heartbreaking.  I couldnt even go in and comfort her during it, because I was so emotional.  Taylor was the sweetest little thing, and the thought of putting her through pain absolutely crushed me.  Randy and I both kept falling apart with each new diagnosis or test.  The first time they put her to sleep, tears.  When they told us she had cancer, tears. The surgeon came and told us they would be doing surgery to do a biopsy of her tumor, and place a port while they had her put under... tears.  When they said it was an aggressive form of childhood cancer and she would need chemo, tears.  We were absolutely devastated, and in a state of complete shock.  There was no forewarning, or signs that she was even sick, except for the few things that had me concerned.  Days ago, we were a happy family of 6, soon to be 7, and all our kids were healthy- so we thought.  We had this sweet and perky baby with huge eyes and curly light brown hair... and she had cancer.  It was the first time that my emotional pain, hurt like physical pain.  It felt no different to me, than having a knife stabbed into my stomach.  It hurt that much.

That week she got diagnosed with stage 3 high risk neuroblastoma.  Due to her age, the size of the tumor, where it was at, and the aggressive nature of the tumor, she would be having the protocol that the kids who have stage 4 had.  The only thing her cancer hadnt done yet was spread.  It was thankfully localized to her tumor.  

Randys family had arrived and I was starting to have a lot of contractions from the stress.  It was decided that Randy and I would spend the night in a respite room in the hospital to get some decent sleep.  Randys sister (or parents, I cant remember whom) would stay with Taylor.  This was the night before her surgery, to get a biopsy of the tumor.  We got settled in and I fell into a light sleep.  Sometime in the night, I came out of the sleep screaming "NOOO!" and I completely broke.  Like sobbing so hard I started having frequent contractions.  I couldnt stop crying, thinking about our adorable, huge eyed, sweet baby girl, going through a SURGERY ON A TUMOR and the fact that she had CANCER at 18 months old.  Not just cancer, but a highly aggressive and deadly cancer.  I wept.  Randy woke up to my cries and started crying himself.  Then we just held onto each other and sobbed.  We wrapped ourselves around each other as tightly as we could and cried together until we were completely spent. Once the tears turned into post crying gulps of air, we sat with our backs against the wall and decided how we were going to deal with all this.  We decided that we were going to enjoy every moment with Taylor.  We couldnt fall apart multiple times a day.  Should she not make it, we didnt want to have regrets that we were sad and depressed all the time.  The next thing we decided, was that if God was putting us through the fire, we were going to come out refined, no matter what.  If God was going to take Taylor home, we would miss her every single day, but we would look forward to eternity.  We also made the decision to not let this destroy our marriage.  This would not tear us apart, but make us closer.  I look back on this time as a turning point in my faith walk.  I made the choice, that no matter what, I was going to trust God, it might be weak kneed and tearfully at times, but I chose to believe that He is good, even in the bad times. I still cant talk out loud about this deeply personal and intimate time without crying.  The next morning we got up super early and got breakfast.  We smiled across the table at each other with wobbly and watery smiles, giving each other strength.  A few hours after that, we walked our baby girl to her first big surgery.  She would get a port for chemo and have a piece of her tumor taken out for testing.  That biopsy took six hours because her tumor was so bloody and it was the consistency of oatmeal.  It was very hard to get a piece of it to biopsy.  It was confirmed that it was indeed high risk neuroblastoma.  The surgeon talked to us after and told us it was VERY bloody, and that kids with this kind of cancer often times do not survive.  He also said that if the tumor didnt shrink and he wouldnt be able to remove it when that time came, she would probably not make it.  He gave us some statistics and we left that meeting, feeling defeated.  We went home a few days later and had one week of home time before Taylors treatments started.  We soaked it up and I tried not to allow my mind to scream in fear.  

We had bracelets made that said "Trusting God 4 Taylor" with Proverbs 3:5-7 on them.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path"  We were trusting God for Taylor, literally.