Inklings

 I believe moms are created with a gut instinct.  Long before anyone else knows something is wrong, a mom knows.  Months before Taylors illness, I knew, down deep in my soul that something was about to happen.  I had an irrational fear that one of my kids would get cancer.  If a St Jude’s commercial came on, my heart would race and I would feel so anxious, that I couldn’t watch it, and I would change the channel.  Some nights when I checked on the kids before bed, I would linger at their door and wonder which one of them would get cancer.  It’s interesting how surviving a worst fear, is incredibly faith building.  

More gut feelings came when I was giving Taylor a bath one night.  Her stomach was huge and the rest of her was so skinny.  It wasn’t right.  I even pointed out her huge tummy to a friend.  There was nothing alarming, it just didn’t sit well with me.  Taylor was also sleeping a lot.  The kids had VBS one week, and Taylor would nap all the way through it.  Then when we got home, she would nap again.  Then sleep late the next day.  Just small things.  I also wrote a status on advice anyone had to get an 18 month old to eat.  But babies go through weird stages, right?

I felt like God was preparing my heart for the bad.  I vividly remember sitting in the driveway in lawn chairs with Randy, while the kids rode their bikes and big wheels around.  I thought to myself “our life is pretty near perfect, something bad has to happen”.  It wasn’t even a pessimistic thought, it was more of a- I need to enjoy this moment, because it could all change at any time- type of thought.  Change it did.  

Our world was about to come crashing down.  Like, crashing in a blazing ball of flames crashing.  Our faith, our marriage, and our family were going to reach a breaking point.  

It’s in the breaking and stretching, that we have to learn to fully rely on God.  It’s when we have nothing left, that He lifts us up.  We can’t take any glory or credit for making it, because we couldn’t make it.  Not without Him.

God always gives us strength in the moment. Always.  He might not dole it out-even for the whole day, but He does for each moment, and those moments becomes a day.  

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

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